Friday, April 30, 2010
I sat on the swing that my husband put up and was enjoying the freshness of the weather. Under the canopy of the oak tree, I looked around the yard and saw all the birds plucking the ground for bugs and worms, I saw my baby garden and the remnants of the azalea flowers. The breeze was fresh, not stifling or humid. Someone jogged by and commented that I had the right idea about how to spend a morning. I told him I had just spent half hr. watering the different areas of garden and flower beds. I water by can and I have to remind myself that it's good to do work and I will see the benefits as we harvest both edibles and visual delights. I imagine how horrible I'd be as a farmers wife, haha, and also feel convicted that I don't do more but way too often just sit and do mindless things. Maybe this is why I don't find as much satisfaction in things as I should and maybe this is why my own kids are very lazy as well. We are so blessed with technology that makes our life easy, that we don't work anymore at things and we have lost the art of what God intended. We are to take care of this earth, by working it. We are to perform good works, by doing..not sitting. I am trying to find my place of ministry,(still) and really feel that I must be in a season of preparation, of getting to know the Lord again on a different level and seeing things more through His eyes. I don't know what things/people He will put in my path but I know that I do what I can to reach people in the everyday of life. I am sure there's more that i should be doing. I will surely write another post some day about what new things are happening regarding these issues. I do however have gratitude everyday for running water, and car that starts, a ceiling fan, and a fridge. Even if I don't have a list of ministries or activities, I still feel that everyday is such a gift, a place for me to learn. I also love God's creation, the beauty that I am allowed to enjoy. I love this spring weather, it is so peaceful and full of promise...promise of renewal, regeneration, peace, and it even brings me to a place of quiet and a feeling of being in the presence of His holiness. It's amazing how something as simple as a season can be so profound in me. And just as a season of the year can be such a blessing, so can each season of our life when we allow God to do His work in us.
Sometimes I look at my kids and realize that I talk to them all the time without actually looking at them....into their eyes, deeply, to know who they are inside. I am taking advantage of the fact that they are here but while they are here, shouldn't my heart's desire be to know them? Who are these two people that we are raising, and who will they be? How do they feel about themselves, what are their hopes and fears? Do they trust that I really care about them? Or do they feel that everything is only surface relation? Whoa, this is something that's really been on my mind. It's hard to even know who you are in yourself, and I don't think any of us ever really knows fully the depth of our own beings, but even as I am on my own journey, I should be whole heartedly commited to knowing my children. They spent 9 months in my inner-most parts but now I need to spend my time with them, getting to know their inner-most parts. I don't know if this will touch any of you or not...but I want to look at my kids and while looking into their eyes, be able to see the person they will become, because of knowing who they presently are.
Does it please God that I want new curtains, some plant stands, new dresses, blinds, and so on. Every time I buy something else for the house, I think I'll be satisfied for awhile but then those bare spots and places where things need to be tied together by some perfect picture or piece of decor start bothering me. I say I'll wait til I find stuff at garage sales, but never want to get up early enough to go to those. Lately I feel God has spoken to me about something. God has blessed us with free stuff for the house on and off for years. And almost always, those things work just fine with what we already have. In fact, God has reminded me that instead of putting HIS money into HIS kingdom, I keep putting it into mind. Sigh, that's so heavy. I want to badly to please Him, but i also want to please self. There's def. a battle going on here. However, I believe that I need to put my faith into action and begin to not buy and let God give me gifts. I need to invest in His heart and let Him satisfy mine. So, I hope and pray that through this journey of faith, I can do what I should and no regrets, but instead have testimony! God, please help me here.
Every yr. I analyze what worked and what didn't and I begin the research for what I will pull in to next years schedule. I have realized though that since my kids are older and able to work on their own, I have become very lazy in checking to see if they are really getting what they are reading, or working on. And since Victoria likes me to leave her be, I have done the same with Francis. But he actually still needs me to teach and study with him. I also have become totally dull minded regarding everyday teaching opportunities like using the microscope that we have on pollen, or finding out the process by which water is cleaned and comes into our house. I need to do better but I never do. And, of course I am really excited this yr. because I am getting rid of a lot of curriculum from my shelves and drawers and it feels good to unload. But then again, now I am totally drooling over all the amazing readers I see in the Sonlight catalog and am hoping to find some of those at the book fair in May. Oh dear! I hope that next yr. I will try a bit harder to simply review the kids on things that they will need to always know, like math facts and vocab. Still, I am already looking at the fact that out of all the wonderful ideas I have every yr. only one or maybe two of those come to pass and even then, some other things fall by the wayside that shouldn't. And what about those wonderful attitudes that our students have. Sometimes I wonder if they'll go away with anything from this experience because of hard headedness,( wonder where that comes from). And yet, it will be done in a few yrs. and then we will see if they believe all this was worth it or not. I surely hope so. But if nothing else, I have learned a lot from these yrs. and I would not trade that for anything.
I've been really amazed at what God's Word in doing in my life, now that i am reading certain portions over and over. It makes me realize how much I am not aware of His purpose for my life and how very far I am from His true will. Most of the things I spend my life doing are probably not His will. How many people have I not evangelized because instead of opening doors to meet my neighbors, I am on the computer. Goodness. But I am glad that God is speaking into my life. He is truly Lord of All.