Thursday, April 14, 2011


I know what I want to be like, what I should be like...but, for some reason I would rather put things off. Why? Because I'm lazy and sometimes the 'bigness' of a project saps me of energy before I even start on it. Sometimes I have so many projects that I don't know where to start and which one should be top priority. And, on occasion, I am really motivated and get some stuff off of that mountainous list of things that should prob. get done. I know I should cook more, but leave planning til last minute. I know I should clean the shower door, but know how much scrubbing it's gonna take and decide it can wait. I know I should have already had more seeds in the ground for the garden, but it's more work than I want to do. It's sad, but at the beginning of the gardening season, I was gung-ho,( as I always am) but after actually starting the work, I know that I bit off more than I am willing to chew. I could do it, if I wanted. So, once in awhile I really get kind of depressed about the way I am. And does it drive me to do better? Sometimes, but mostly it makes me want to throw eeeeverything away. That way there's not much to keep together. If I had things that simple, then would I cook more, or clean better, or get out and minister to others more frequently? I really don't know. It's always been one of my inner demons,( you know what I mean) this hard work thing. It's never been instilled in me to work hard and have good work ethics. And even though I'm grown and can't blame anyone for that's an uphill battle that I'm not willing to climb. I feel lost and without purpose/vision and I keep coming to this crossroads. And each time, I feel the same...a sense of giving up; but then that leads to condemnation because I'm not a good wife/mother. I know that I should be doing many other things and through my example my family should be proud of me and want to be like me. Sigh. I'm so sorry sometimes that someone didn't set their foot down on me in a loving way and teach me to do the things that I didn't necessarily want to do, but that needed to be done. I am sure I would have appreciated it now as an adult. This knowing that I should be better and more committed is such a drag. It's def. not helping me to do better. But how do I break the cycle? I wish I had a good friend who lived close to me that I could do stuff with. Then I know I would have a motivation to do more and do better. Why this is, I have no idea. I guess I don't like to do stuff alone. Hmm

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